Stand Up Jokes Not for kids to see!
This is where I will be storing my stand up jokes I write. I have never performed stand up but have always been a fan of it.
Please take these jokes in the good humour they are intended.
1. No wonder so many American high school kids get gunned down by their fellow students, if they act like the school kids in all those musicals.
2. I always wonder how the characters of High School Musical remain so good looking. If anyone from my school jumped up during a lesson and started singing and dancing on the desks, they’d have had their face smashed in.
3. Why did the chicken cross the road? That’s right, he didn’t. He got half way across and was eaten by a fox.
4. What’s black and white and red all over? A badger with TB.
5. A friend of mine has been suffering from insomnia. I told him I know a cure for that – a good night’s sleep.
6. What’s the difference between boiled potatoes and pea soup? Not a lot of people can pee soup.
7. What’s the difference between an annoying person and a vegetable? A Hammer.
8. When you first contact someone on a dating website, you need to make sure that you do something to make yourself stand out from the crowd, because if she’s a hot girl – and I don’t intend to hang out with hairy munters – she’s probably got every guy on the site chasing her down. My preference to get a response is to use emotional blackmail. Something along the lines of “if you don’t have sex with me, you won’t be able to tell all your friend’s you’ve had the World’s smallest c*ck inside you”. Well actually, ‘inside you’ might be pushing it a bit far, it might be more accurate to say you had a spider crawling on you.
9. There was a big fight the other day where I live, nothing like the riots, but it was still pretty bad. Absolutely everything – people, objects, literally everything - within a 20 metre radius was completely battered, it was a hell of a mess to clean up. It was in a fish and chip shop.
10. The other day, my husband and I bought our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out. Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!
11. Some people think that its poor form to start chewing on the end of a borrowed pen. I tend to look at the positive – if the person you borrowed the pen from has chewed it too, that’s surely got to be first base hasn’t it?! And thinking that is fine so long as you have borrowed it from the 18 year old secretary. What’s not fine is if she’s taken it off of ‘Chlamydia’ Brian’s desk. Cos, I’m not sure, but that’s probably not how anyone imagined their first threesome to be.
12. One of my female friends was feeling a bit down at the start of the year. She’d eaten too much at Christmas and felt no one would want to sleep with her because she thought she had put on weight. To try and make her feel better, I thought I’d give her some encouraging words but all I managed to come up with was “don’t worry, you haven’t put on any weight, you’ll find someone. Keep your chin up. Actually, to be on the safe side, you’d better keep them all up”.
13. There’s a fine line between a fake tan and looking like you rolled in Tangy Cheese Doritos and that line is the county border of Cheshire.
